i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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