Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
