I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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