Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
