i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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