There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
