my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
