last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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