Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
