My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
operation have a gay friend backfired
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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