My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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