I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
