ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
