Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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