I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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