Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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