saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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