I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
