Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
