my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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