i just sold back the books i vomitted on
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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