When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
