I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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