I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
