Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
