I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
