So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
