i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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