Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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