had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
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