forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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