I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Dignity is for republicans.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
