I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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