guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Never underestimate the power of titties
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