heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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