I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
