woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
