i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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