epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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