I look better un-naked...
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
