yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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