I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
