Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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