Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
