I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
