So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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