i wish peter jackson would direct porn
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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