you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
