my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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