You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
