cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize