I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
